Daughter of a Rat

        My name was Antonia. Antonia Albrecht. I was a German girl, daughter to the high ranking officer Kurt Albrecht. My life began and ended with a boy in the 1900's. Separated by a fence, a dictator, and a chamber to end it all.

        My story begins in a house near Auschwitz. Two stories, dark, and cold. I could feel the hate of others radiating through the walls of my room. I had little belongings. My mother was frantic to unpack everything, excited to meet other high ranking officers like Papa, but I couldn’t have cared less. My friends were all back in Warsaw, my home. But father was excited about his new place in the rank. So we left. I hated that there was a divide. It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense anymore.

        The outside air was cold and static. My coat clung to my frigid body and I walked along the fence near our home. My parents had explained everything to me. The concentration camp, the Jews, everything! Even their wish for me to marry Karl-Friedrich Höcker, one of the younger officers here. I had no wish to. He loved his job, taking pictures of Auschwitz like it was the Garden of Eden.

The morning it happened, I was weaving a basket outside while my mother watched. Papa had just left for work. In the distance, I could hear a young man calling out for someone. “Edith! Edith, love, where are you?” Seconds later, a whip cracked through the air. I dropped my basket and ran towards the yell of the man. I crashed into the fence and saw him. He had dirty blonde hair, brown eyes, and a strong jaw. He was thin, weak looking, but I could tell he was new to the camp.  He was lying on the ground, fists in the dirt. He pleaded to the officer standing above him. “Please! My Edith, where is she?” The officer spat on the boy’s head. “Arschloch, get out of the dirt!” The boy stayed where he was. “My wife, she is with child, please where is my Edith?” The officer crushed the boy’s hand with his boot. “Schwien!” The man screamed in pain. I could watch no longer.

I ripped my coat off and flung it up on the barbed wire fence. I kicked off my shoes and climbed the fence, then over my coat that protected me from the sharp barbs. I landed on the other side of the fence and ran up to the officer. “Please Herr…” The officer stared at me, an O for a mouth in my direction. “Er… Please officer he’s scared.” I tried to remain sweet as possible, but I really wanted to slap this stupid ignorant ball of meat. The Jew on the ground looked up at me startled. “Frau Albrecht? Nein. This man is ill. He deserves this for being a filthy Juden.” I lost it. “ Nein! I do not think any human should be treated in such manner! It does not matter by our religion, the color of our eyes and hair, it is just pigment stains on our skin. I would not cause such injustice to a dog of a different bark, or a fish that could not swim. You, sir, are causing such a scar on this world. Tell me, do you really want so many people to hate you? Can you stand to live knowing that so many people are wishing that you were dead? Can you stand here on this Earth, blessed by God to live, and yet you kill so many of his children?” I stood there and realized that that was the first time I spoke my thoughts about these camps. The Jews. All of it! The officer looked at the ground and looked me in the eye. “You may be the daughter of Herr Albrecht, but you are a disgrace to your father’s blood.” He lifted his whip and struck me.

The pain was beyond imagining. But I stood there, blood dripping from my arm. “You filthy saukairl, you wouldn’t know common sense if it struck you in the eyes.” I smiled my biggest smile, and began to cry. Other officers heard me bawling. When they arrived, I threw myself at the officer in front of me. “No please, don’t touch me!” I cried. The other officers were disgusted. They grabbed their friend and told him to stay away from me. He glared back at me. The officers looked at me. “Go Frau Albrecht. Get out of here.” I wiped my eyes and ran back to the fence and climbed up.

Later that night when I was dressing, my father came and spoke to me. “Did he? Did he Antonia? I will arrange for him to be killed. No man, no one will touch you-” “Father. Please. He didn’t get to. The Jew! He tried to push him away.” I lied quickly, hoping that maybe the Jew would get anything good from this. My father frowned. “You are not to go inside the camp. Ever. Do you understand?” I nodded, but knew that I would be back soon. I had to talk to the Jew. I needed to know who Edith was.

The next morning I went back to the fence. There was someone there, hunched over on the other side. “Hallo?” I crawled closer. The figure turned surprised towards me. It was the Jew! His head had been shaved, and he was wearing a plain brown uniform. But his eyes were the same. “You! Girl, what is your name?” I told him everything. He listened while I spoke about my new life there in Auschwitz. “Well, my name is Hansi. My wife and I, we were so close. We were almost to the next hiding place. She is carrying you see. Our child. I just want to see her again. You look so much like her.” I smiled. My hair is blonde like the sun, with my crystal blue eyes. “How did they know? She sounds like she could pass-” “They always know! They can smell it. They can taste the fear in you.” Hansi looked at the ground. I reached my fingers through the wire and grabbed his hand. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” He cried. He looked so young to be married. How old, I wondered. He’s married, I reminded myself.

One Month Later...

I practically leaped out the door that morning. When I got to the fence, Hansi was waiting for me. “Hallo Hansi!” I whisper yelled. My talking to him through the fence had been going on for roughly a month. He got thinner each time, and today I was surprised to see him with a few tufts of hair. “They did it on purpose,” he mumbled. It never mattered to me. He was Hansi, and secretly I wished he was mine. But he still loved Edith, and nothing would change that. “You look fine.” I said, pulling out an apple for him. “Thank you Antonia. I’m so thankful you are here.” I blushed. After a minute of gazing at his eyes while he chewed, I pulled myself closer to the fence. “I had an idea,” I whispered next to his ear. He moved away. I frowned into my hands, but stayed where I was. “What is it?” “I think I should go back in there with you.” I said, watching him furrow his brow. “Like when we met? That was dangerous. Though I’m glad to have made your company, it would get you in more trouble to be in here. In fact-” “No Hansi! I mean go in there and stay.” He dropped his apple. “What!? You can’t do that! They’ll tell your father and you’ll get taken away. No, no, no. Antonia, that’s a death wish.” I ran my finger through the dirt. “That’s the point, Hansi. I have this,” I pulled out my journal, filled with my thoughts and opinions since this cruelty began. “Maybe, if I wrote about what it is like to be in there, they’ll realize how foolish and rash they’ve been. Don’t you see Hansi!? If I die, a high ranking rat’s daughter, maybe they’ll see that my life was given for the cause of setting you free,” I whispered. Hansi stared at me. “This is stupid of you. Dummkopf. You are making too much of a leap on your ideas, Antonia.” I stood up and brushed off my skirts. “I’m coming in, Hansi. Look out for me.” And I walked away from the fence, eager to start my plan and maybe, just maybe, have Hansi hold me before I die.

My plan started with pajamas. They were folded neatly at the bottom of my father’s wash bin, and I stole them. They were much too big, but with my sewing expertise I made them be loose enough to disguise my womanhood, but the right height for me. The second piece, was to learn just a few things about the Juden. I talked to Hansi about his religion, and lied when he asked why I wanted to know. He still did not want me in there with him. The third piece, stop eating. I needed to look underfed, and dirty. The officers were smart, if my skin was too clean, or my arms to fat, they would either whip me under suspicion I had stolen food, or they would find out who I was. Then my final piece, the one I dreaded the most. I needed to say goodbye to my long blonde hair. I hacked it off with a pair of rusty scissors and shaved the rest with my papa’s razor. I managed the hair stunt on my final night inside of the house. I put the pajamas on, grabbed my journal and a few pencils, and headed to my new life inside Auschwitz.

I climbed over the fence and snuck into one of the little homes. There were five cots, with a sleeping person on all but one. The last cot had blood smeared on it. I was scared, but I began writing in my journal. I inspected the sleeping faces. “Hansi!?” He lay on his side, breathing slowly. What I would’ve given to have kissed his soft lips. He stirred. “Nein!” He awoke to my voice. “What are you doing here? I told you not to come here! What were you thinking? What were you-” The house door opened, and Hansi pulled me over his body and next to his side. An officer walked in and lifted the bloodied cot. He walked out whistling and turned over a neighboring cot. The Jew on it fell to the ground with a grunt. The officer laughed and walked out of the room. I was keenly aware of Hansi’s hands holding mine. I wanted to turn in his arms and face him. He pushed me away. “Go away, you foolish child. Death is here; it roams the camp itself!” I crawled off the cot. “No. I must! I have to stay. I have to.” And I spent but a month in that hell before hating everyone who wasn’t a Jew. There was Christopher who was my age, sixteen, and Toni, and Max, and so many others. They knew not who I was, but they admired me all the same. I had many friends, and we talked of our past lives. I never spoke of mine. But Christopher, his mother was taken. And Max, there was a young girl that he needed to get back to. Even silent Toni, who spoke very little, talked of a girl named Ana, that he was going to marry, but couldn’t. I felt bad for all of these innocent people, and was glad that my book was already half full.

It was dark out when I crawled over to Hansi’s cot. His friend, Joseph, had been taken “to another camp”. We all knew they lied. They did not go to another Hell, they left to go find Heaven. “Hansi… My book is almost full.” My journal had drawings, the stories of the diseases, the whipping, the food, down to the painful work we did everyday. It had the crematorium, the chambers, everything. Hansi did not move. He breathed in and out. We had become closer over the month. He had hugged me after an exhausting day of washing. He held my hand at night when the others weren’t watching. So I leaned over him, and carefully placed my lips on his cheek. He flinched and looked at me. “Edith?” His eyes were cloudy. “Yes,” I said, hoping he would hold me close. “Edith, look at our daughter, look how beautiful she is.” He murmured and grabbed my hands. He kissed my fingers. “She is a perfect girl, Edith, perfect.” I stood terrified and mesmerised. What if someone walked in? What if he never held my hand so gently as he was now?

His eyes cleared and he dropped my hand. “Wat is los?” He said. “What is this?” He scratched his head. “You were dreaming.” I knelt by him. “Hansi…. I want someone to love me like you love your Edith.” His eyes saddened. “Please, Hansi? I can be your Edith. I love you, Hansi.” I whispered now. He pulled away. “No one can be Edith. Do you hear me, Antonia? You will not be her. You remind me of her, and that keeps me happy. But you cannot replace her,” he said, looking at me. I felt my tears rising. “You thought I was her. Just a second ago. You kissed my fingers.” I held my hand to his cheek; he was so cold. He nudged away my hand. “Antonia, I am older than you. It is not right to say goodbye to my wife.” “How do you know she still roams the earth, Hansi? I do not care about your age. I love you with every fiber of my heart,” I sobbed. I was being too loud. He put his hand over my mouth. “She is not dead. I will feel it. My soul will die with hers. Antonia, I am twenty-six. You are what? Fifteen? You are but a child.” “Sixteen. I am sixteen.” And with that I rose and walked out.

I avoided Hansi that day and instead gathered men to talk with. I told them that everyone is equal, that the world was not perfect, but we could work to make it that way. They laughed. “You are so young, your voice is still so high, and your ideas are childish. This is they way it is, and it will stay that way.” Christopher walked with me. “I like your ideas, Antonio.” I had made the name and bonded with them upon realizing it was also Toni’s name. He was always near me, yet it was Hansi I wanted by my side. “You’re eyes are shining, Antonio. Are you alright?” He questioned. “No. I am not.” We walked back to our barrack. Max had vanished a few days ago. He had made a note in my journal. He escaped to find the girl. The officers said nothing about the missing Jew. We were excited to see that Max had escaped. Toni was sick, and I couldn’t talk to Hansi. If only I knew to apologize.

The morning was cold, and I could hear the officers talking about me. “Herr Albrecht’s daughter. She has been missing for two months. He cannot find her. He accuses Officer Himlell.” They continued to speak of me. Toni lay still in his bunk. He had passed in the night. Hansi and I had not spoken in weeks. Christopher followed me everywhere. I wondered if he was attracted to me. That idea disgusted me. I was pretending the part of a boy. Yet his company was needed during hard work, and whippings, and the cold. “Line up schwien!” My father called out. I walked out of the cabin. My hair had grown out a little, blond and stubbly from the amount of shaving they did. My hands were callused, my body thin. The tightness of my uniform no longer mattered. They used their fists to arrange us in the manner they wanted. They took half of the group to the labs. They did tests there. One child came running out of line, and he nearly made it, but they shot him in the head. I was used to the racking up of the dead. I closed my eyes briefly, and the snow started falling. My group was walked into a large building. Then, we were lead into a steel room. I found Hansi and Christopher. An older man was praying. I was ready. I had left my journal on my cot, page opened to the front where my name was proudly displayed.

They made us stand like food in a can, while they went through and made sure we were perfect. Christopher was kicked. I was shoved. I turned to Hansi. “Are you ready?” Hansi clenched his eyes when the tears came. “I never got to see my baby,” he whispered. Christopher weeped behind me. I stood tall. The machine turned on, and I felt my breath leave me.

I seemed to float suspended in the air above my body. She was laying on the cold metal floor. Christopher was still gasping, and he grabbed my hand before he died. Hansi was mouthing a name before he passed. Edith. I swam out of the room and found my journal in the barrack. I picked it up and drifted to my father’s house and left it on his desk. I watched when he came home and read it. How he didn’t cry. How when mother read it she wouldn’t look my father in the eye. How when he finally went back to his office, he set my journal aflame and threw it out the window. My voice projected, but I had an empty audience. I had no Hansi, no family, and no way to change the world. I left my Hell, but never found my Heaven.

Present Time

I still roam this world, drifting by helplessly watching the cruel Earth hate itself. The way the races clash, the sexes quarrel, and the religions burn. I tried so desperately to clear up a problem in just one place, when there are problems all over this hate ridden abyss. If only others would come to see what I believed. If only my journal was still here, to leave with some good hearted person in this world. If only the lovers of peace still crawled this terrifying place that we call home. This daughter of a rat is done. I avoided the poison and fell into the trap. People will never change, and never get better. Current time shows this, and the future only holds more hate. Auf Wiedersehen. Goodbye.